In this moment, as I stare into your eyes, I realize I didn’t love you. I may never have. All those years spent pining over you, running over what could have been, was all an illusion. Just me chasing a feeling I’ve wanted to feel for so god damn long but have never let myself succumb to. My heart is ice and it may never de-thaw. Not fully at least. But I want to try. I want there to be heat, passion, fire. 4 years of chipping away at it, trying to get it to beat because I thought it was you that put it in that deep freeze. But it was me. It’s always been me. And I think it’s time for me to move on. To do the things I’ve always wanted to but have been too scared to try. It’s time to let myself feel something. I’ve been lonely for so fucking long and I just want to let someone in. I want it all, I want to be happy, to be hurt, to feel SOMETHING. I’m not blaming you anymore. I’m not holding on to the past. I’m ready. I’m so fucking ready.
What if you woke up one day and realized everything you ever worked for was all for nothing?
It might feel like two hands around your neck, choking you, withholding any possibility of you catching your breath.
It might feel like you’re alone. Like your skin is cold and there is no one there to hold you, to comfort you. Suddenly, you’re going to wake up and realize you put everything and everyone else second and they didn’t wait around for you.
I can tell you for damn sure, it feels like a million strings snapping, as your heart is ripped from your chest. Because it’s all you’ve ever thought about and even if you never admitted it aloud it was all you wanted. To have it fall away, feels like walls crumbing as the earth drops away from your feet. As you stand there with your hands out, expecting something in return for your investment looking like a complete fool.
I can also tell you, slowly you’ll rise from the mud. The haze will pass and you will realize it wasn’t the end. It wasn’t the only thing in this world that mattered because friends eventually come back, and your family never really left. They just needed YOU to come back. To stop drowning yourself. To be happy. And one day, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, you’ll be happy. Because your feet are still on the ground and those walls are still standing. One day you will get what you worked for.
Within this head are thoughts that are not my own and the danger is that I cannot tell them apart from those of my own creation.
I woke up in a nightmare where you stared at me with vacant eyes.
Each second that passed I felt you tugging on the strings of my heart.
Like a musician expertly playing an instrument.
I just waited for you to speak.
To break the literal silence and distract me from the noises you had created in my head, and in my heart.
But you never did, so I got up and left.
Yet, your song still played inside me.
Each note ricocheted within, reverberating as they struck my bones.
So here I am, awake from the nightmare, but even now the music never goes away.
It was the way his fingers sprawled across the strings.
How his lips ran heavy with emotion.
He always tasted like Jack and cigarettes.
I shivered at the thought of his callused hands on the back of my neck.
His unshaven faced pressed against my cheek.
How is breath seemed to linger long after he was gone.
A memory that wouldn’t let go.
There was no moving on without him in view.
If I kissed you, would you run away?
If I kissed you, can you promise that you’ll stay?
I woke up in this backwater town and I’ve been struggling to get out.
We woke up this way. Sun kissed skin and tattered leather seats. An unquenchable thirst for nothing but the open road. The pavement stretched over the horizon and past it there was no going home. Just us, fingers intertwined and the calm morning light guiding our way.
Like a shadow dancing among the bookshelves in the night. It acted as a silent killer. There was comfort in its touch. A simple veil over it’s true intentions. It put chains around our hearts as it crept up behind us. “I am your conscience!” It screamed, and slowly dragged us down into the pit of darkness.
It was as if the stars and the moon had all decided it was the way it had to be. Like a map, they guided my heart. My soul. I was nothing but a mere chess piece in their careful constructed plan. I would fall in love with you that day and everyday after that, because, like the moon and the stars, you were there, always. I didn’t have to see you to feel your presence. The pull was irresistible. Gradually, you had become the sun of my universe. Everything I did, everything I thought, and felt, it all revolved around you.