It was one lonely person in that sea of strangers. Their face brighter than the rest despite being painted with a sullen expression. My feet didn’t have move before I found myself next to him. He stood there, or so it seemed, frozen in time. So I drank in his light and closed my eyes to breathe him in. When I finally got the courage to peak between my lashes he was gone. Simply carried away in the current, and though our encounter was fleeting I felt as though he had been a crucial piece of my soul, never to be seen again.
A family sat around a table decorated with an extravagant turkey dinner. The parents spent their time scolding their 3 and 5 year old. The oldest a girl, long golden hair cascading down her back laughing while she chewed open mouthed. The youngest a boy, cropped hair, a slight smirk splashed across his face while he used his hands to eat his mashed potatoes covered in a thick river of brown gravy. They were the epitome of societies sudden distance from responsibility. Essential troublemakers, their parents did little to correct their behavior, instead placing blame on other figures that passed in and out of their children’s lives. Teachers were suddenly the reason kids had bad grades, behavior disorders took the blame for rude and disruptive behavior in class. Parents walked away from a child’s life relatively scot free of any blame for a complete and utter fuck up. Hence the governments involvement. After years of economic hardship and the general population slipping further and further into poverty without any willingness to do any dirty work it had finally gotten to the point the government had to step in. To take away the power from the parents, and breed a generation that would fix the problem. Which is when, and why, this young family heard a knock on the door.
Two men in grey suits, stood in the doorway, with a small woman, barely pushing 5 feet, between them. She unclipped 2 pieces of paper and handed them to the parents. They stood there dumbfounded while reading the notice which simply read,
“ We are here for your children. - United States Government”.
The 2 men pushed passed them and picked up the kids while they screamed and carried them into the black van in front of the house. The father began to protest but as he ran after them his heart caught in his throat. At every house that had a child living there down the length of the street was a black van and he watched as kids were being dragged kicking and screaming away from their parents and into the darkness of the night.
When the sky opens up
And the thunder crashes through
It’s the perpetual emotion
That puts our lips in motion
As the rain falls in sheets
It’s the stars that become faded
And our bodies intertwine
As your fingers lace with mine
It’s the darkness of the storm
With the lightning causing shadows
How your skin feels upon mine
Our bodies moving in perfect time
So let it rain, let it pour
Bring the thunder and the lightning
Cause it’s perfect here in bed
Your chest a place to rest my head.
She was always a jumbled mess of emotions, incapable of sifting through the fog. He was like a stone, cold and unmoving. A complete disaster in functionality, they came together as one. Neither prodding or prying the other for more, instead they stood strong, and independent. Their connection was rarely seen through others eyes, because like an iceberg the majority of their feelings remained beneath the surface, and the only thing visible to the rest of the world were two lone peaks. Moving together in unison with only the appearance of being distinctly different. They fully understood the immensity of what remained just beneath it all and the fact is was so private made everything all the more meaningful.
There was no pain to it, because I could still feel the beauty, the light, and the warmth in my heart from before, when I first fell in love with you. The dust had settled over it all and made our lives dull. There was complete and utter confusion at how it all happened. How you had been so important to me in one instant and suddenly it was as though we couldn’t connect. I’ve been privileged to witness enough love stories in books and movies, I knew how it was supposed to feel. What was supposed to happen when you fall in love. But no one had ever tried explaining to me, in the same great detail, what it was supposed to feel like falling out of it. I felt alone on an island, filled with a million strangers, as I watched you floating out to sea. And still, as you moved slowly into the abyss I didn’t care to bring it to anyone else’s attention because I wanted to see you move beyond the horizon and never return.
It wasn’t in the way he looked at me, or even in the way his tongue tasted sweet as it danced across mine. It was the way his soul fit me. Like a favorite worn out shirt. There was a comfort in it all, a familiarity, and fondness. It was heartening to know we shared similar memories. I loved the way I could trace each scar across his body, like a missing button or a tear in the seams and know the whole story. And no matter how tattered or faded he was, I could always see through those imperfections because there was nothing a little thread and needle couldn’t fix. He would always be my favorite shirt.
"God, if you’re there, let it be known that you shouldn’t have given me all these hormones." Was all I could think as a complete stranger had me pinned against the wall in the bathroom stall. I could feel the music from the dance floor pulsating through the plaster as my hands pushed against it for balance. His fingers traced circles along my sides and through my hair, each kiss feeling heavier than the last. The faint aroma of MGD and marlboro lights hung on his breath every time our lips parted. All the pain had been completely washed away from earlier in the night after the sixth shot of Jack and this guy pressed against me. As easy as it was to let someone in, why did it always feel like a piece of my soul getting ripped out to let them go? So here I was filling that void in the easiest, sleaziest way possible. But, man, it felt good. And that’s all I really wanted… to feel good. Instead of the ache of a cracked rib and an injured heart.
used his words as a weapon
tongue as the sword
tried to be his warden
but I couldn’t anymore
the burden was too heavy
his heart was like a stone
he said he wasn’t ready
you could hear it in his tone
so I tried to piece together
what he had destroyed
but i knew it was forever
I could never fill this void
In this moment, as I stare into your eyes, I realize I didn’t love you. I may never have. All those years spent pining over you, running over what could have been, was all an illusion. Just me chasing a feeling I’ve wanted to feel for so god damn long but have never let myself succumb to. My heart is ice and it may never de-thaw. Not fully at least. But I want to try. I want there to be heat, passion, fire. 4 years of chipping away at it, trying to get it to beat because I thought it was you that put it in that deep freeze. But it was me. It’s always been me. And I think it’s time for me to move on. To do the things I’ve always wanted to but have been too scared to try. It’s time to let myself feel something. I’ve been lonely for so fucking long and I just want to let someone in. I want it all, I want to be happy, to be hurt, to feel SOMETHING. I’m not blaming you anymore. I’m not holding on to the past. I’m ready. I’m so fucking ready.
Within this head are thoughts that are not my own and the danger is that I cannot tell them apart from those of my own creation.